Readers digest

I'm scared...
Am I even good enough?
I write line after line...
And word after word...
Stumbling over the fear and tears of the present...

I present to you a blueprint...
Raw like the knees I depend on to make a living...
I'm selling you a fantasy...
A product of lustrous pleasure...
A climax to a long story...

A barebone template to build from...
Line after line...
Word after word...
I trip over frustrations and deferrals...
Back spacing and retracing thoughts...

Tip toeing around ideas...
Jotting down ideals...
I allow my pen to get lost...
Tied up in forbidden feelings...

I listen to it...
Drip... Drops...
Exposing me to the world...
My dreams pour onto pages...
Like a waterfall into the sea...

My dream may not make sense to those can see...
But it's music to the blind...
It flows and grows...
Like a spark to a flame...

I'm scared...
Am I good enough?
Have I dreamt big enough?
Have I worked hard enough?
Is faith ever enough?

Fear signifies growth...
Tears represent resilience...
Strength in the face of adversity is only courage...

So I write line after line...
And word after word...
Pushing forward...
Constantly exposed...
Feelings in hand...

Thoughts flowing like blood through veins...
Eyes wide-shut blind to fallacy...
Mouth open to receive reality...

I serve the truth rare...
Blood spilling...
Line after line...
Mouth waters...
Word after word...
Only my readers can digest...

Harsh Reality

The harsh realities
The minuscule untruths
The shifty body language
The Inconsistencies
The deliberate aloofness
The disrespect

All the things I tolerated for hope
All the things I overlooked for excitement
All the things I endured for companionship
All the things I catalogued for review

I built a case
I weighed my options
I deliberated with my board
I was embarrassed
I was disappointed

I setup a meeting with the truth
But he never appeared
Instead he sent deceit to represent his defense
He told beautiful tales
Enough to publish a fiction novel
Best seller even

I read and I read
I took a shot
I dismantled the fabrication
Attempted to rebuild it
But none of the pieces fit

I gave the truth a chance to fix it
I realized then all truth isn't beautiful
Sometimes truth is dark
Sometimes truth can be ugly
The truth has skeletons too
Buried deep in the darkest pits of hell

To journey to the unearthing
I misplaced my sanity
Had my insides rearranged
And watched the ignorant suffer
Arriving to a conclusion
The truth was not worth anymore turmoil

The harsh realities
The minuscule untruths
The shifty body language
The inconsistencies
The deliberate aloofness
The disrespect

Led the the severance
This severance wasn't by choice
The truth in you severed us
With the same knife
The same knife deceit put in my back

Bipolar

I feel angry
I am depressed
I feel relieved
Scratch that I'm stressed
Today I'm happy
Yesterday I was sad
Tomorrow pissed
Day after I'm glad
Ive loved before
I like him now
I lust for a future
I feel tossed around
Memories of betrayal
Deceptive realities
Misguided by default
beauty in ignorance
The quiet screams
The rainbow rains
The truth in the scandal
The serenity games
Pursuing dreams
Dreaming of happiness
Bursting it seems
Faith leaping
Im a Natural disaster
My Strength is peaking
In the eye of the storm
Answer seeking
Confused... Always
Understood... Maybe
Current feeling ... In a daze
Nervous... Alittle
My self esteem decayed
Like maggots they feast
They've evolved into butterflies
Imbalance decreased
The mind of the bipolar
Unmedicated and twisted
Add the right chemistry
Be rewarded and gifted

Abstract

The Beauty in my heart can only be expressed by the smile on my face... 

The Nature of my soul can only be felt by the tears in my eyes... 

The Truth in me can only be heard by the paintings of myself...

The Pain I've endure can only be seen in the minds of an artist...

The Art that I produce can only be understood by the profound...

My thoughts bleed into words as my inner self plots its escape from captivity...

Caged underneath this skin are testaments meant to be written...

Raw rare and real is how I project it...

Only the abstract in mind will embrace...

Writers Block

I'm creatively constipated
I'm emotionally exploited
I'm mentally devastated
I'm physically shell shocked

I claimed my independence
And I received severance
I mourned the loss of a god mother
And I received peace from a grandmother

Love lost
Love spent
Love cost
Love rent

Scatter brained
Not making sense
My spirit drained
My mind is tense

Creatively constipated
Emotionally exploited
Mentally devastated
Physically shell shocked

I've been trying write
I've been trying to cry
I've been trying to be happy
I've been trying too hard

Maybe not to hard
Maybe not enough
Maybe my mind is spent
I've lost my trust

I was robbed of my sanity
I was raped of my creativity
I misplaced my dignity
I checked out of reality

Reserved a table for my demons
And indulged in the past
I forgot about the present
And lost my appetite for the future

Lost interest in myself
No self esteem
No self worth
No personality

Just a shell
Lobotomized by life
Surrounded by darkness
I found comfort

Only in complete fog could I find myself
Only in this erie mist could i heal myself
In my dwellings I found a crustacean
Who shared tales of his courage and perception

He gave me inspiration
Relieving my creative constipation
Alleviating my mental devastation
Leaving me physically Inebriated

Drunk off the thrill
I regurgitated my thoughts
I filled the page with my feelings
My writers block unlocked

Creatively nauseated
Emotionally illustrated
Mentally renovated
Physically emancipated

My words were once again my words
My thoughts were once again my thoughts
My feelings were once again bleeding from the page
My pulse again quickened from the lust of the cuts

Bruises from the paper
Battle scars from my pen
My inner writer has awakened
Now let my future begin

Courage

The pain that I'm giving
The true that I'm not living

Lies that drive me through these trying days

The fact that I'm still moving

The reality that losing slowly everything around me
This was life that I was chosen
The path that I'm hoping will soon shed light

I was created in the shadows
Nocturnal by nature
Between earth and hell I dwell
Twisted and mangled by time itself

God please save me for myself
Or save me from THEM
Those who lead with no direction
Teach with no education

Prejudice without right
Write with no cause
Laws that defy my right to an emotional clause

My blood vessels burst
Under the pressures
That if I had enough courage
To say that it's day I fear

Not night

Vacant

Dear Love,

                 I miss you so much... I can't believe we lost... I thought we were going to win this one, but i guess not... I'm trying to keep it together but you were always good at putting those things into perspective... I miss the way you made me smile... I miss seeing your smile... I miss hearing your voice... I miss being able to tell you anything... I miss just talking to you... I miss your hugs........

                  I miss how you always showed up... I miss when we disagreed... I loved the challenge... I miss your passion... I miss dancing with you... I miss laying next to you... I miss being able to touch you... I just miss you...

                 Why did you have to go... Why couldn't we fight together... Why couldn't I have more time to figure things out... You were my rock... 

                    I miss your cooking... I miss listening to music together... I miss crying too you... I miss your nonjudgmental manner... I miss your love... I miss feeling your heartbeat...

I miss my Sandy