Old friend

Hey old friend it was good seeing you…

I smiled as you pulled up

I missed you…

In ways I couldn't explain

I seen your mom…

She made me laugh

I see where you got your charm…

We went upstairs

Closed the door and surprise…

It wasn't the way I remembered it

Isn't it funny how life changes…?

But something's it stay the same

Our conversation nice and easy…

We spoke from our respective corners

But always end up coming together in the end…

I respect that

You respect me…

We kept it light

Even though thought was heavy…

Feelings of the deep depths

Neither of us have explored together…

The uncharted territories

Trying our best to push the boundaries without break…

A stress test

Or a constant battle with restraint…

We tire ourselves out

Both entangled in the webs of our bodies desires…

We sleep soundly

Safely because safety was not an issue…

I awoke refreshed

Rejuvenated …

Hey old friend

I've missed you…

Hey old friend

I've missed feeling light…

;)

Clarity

Some say I tell too much

But I say I haven't said enough

What I've been going through…

I could scream or cry at any moment

So what do I do?

Throw myself into work

Create new stress

And bigger disappointments

I have dreams

I have aspirations

But why does responsibility always…

I'm fucked

Mentally

Physically

Emotionally

Fucked

Speaking of emotions

I've been really on edge since I've left that medically induced comatose I called a life

Doctors

Medicines

They all wanted to numb me

Well I wanna feel

I wanna cry

I wanna know what my body and mind are going through…

Torture

My self respect is up

But self esteem lmao

I'm so over caring for Jim James Paul and Tyrone

Cuz something in me says they don't give a damn about me

Selfish

Selfless

Two words that seem to get confused

They think they're doing me a favor

I'm led on and led astray

Constantly confused

Underappreciated

Or unappreciated

I think I make myself very clear

Concise even

Yet my message still seems misconstrued

So what do I do?

What should I do?

Am I crazy?

Is this is all in my head?

Damn it

I need answers

I need the courage to ask those questions

I just need a moment of clarity

Domino Affect

My senses are in a heightened frenzy

I feel a sense of neglect

You open the flood gates

And left me empty

I go on my day to day

But like a candle left on overnight

My flame is dwindling

I give you a foot

And you're returning an inch

Is it me???

Cuz it's playing on my mind

My emotions are confused

My admittance to being weak

Scary

Bemused

I tear up with frustration

My fire extinguishing

Communicate to me

Communicate with me

Come back to my space

Spark my gasoline

Give me the mile you once gave

Ecstasy

I need that climatic experience

Just kiss me

Everything else will fall into place

Domino affect

Just kiss me

The moon is full

My tides are high

Kiss me

And watch as the tidal wave

Engulfs you

Just kiss me

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s Talk

Let's talk

I'm having an issue with the way a lot of things are panning out.

Dating

I like what I like

And I want what I want

I like what I want

But does it want me back

I'm confused    

Because I don't know if its insecurity

Or if I'm reading what I think are signs all wrong

I like you

I think you like me

Or could I just be you being friendly

I think I make my intentions clear

So why do I fear

That it is not clear at all

I guess instant gratification

And a more constant relation

Because this spotty conversation

Is killing me

I know you have other priorities

And other engagement s

And prior arrangements to attend to

But I need to see you more

So I can get to know you more

Because I'm interested

So let's talk

 

Dreaming state

I can't sleep well anymore
I keep wanting more to happen
I wake up hoping to see your name on my screen
Or see you next to me
In my bed comfortably
I miss a kiss good night
Or the way a body feels when it's held tight
Through the night
I miss him
I wanna see him everyday
That smile
Those eyes
His energy
The butterflies
I'm scared
I'm falling and I don't wanna fall alone
I'm afraid to hit the ground
That's why I need him around
So I know I won't be caught up
Alone
I'm in my bed
Thinking of you
By the phone
I wishing I could maybe
Call you my own
One day
Is it possible???
Or am I just in a dreaming state???

State of disbelief

Why are you the thing that I think of most?

Why are you so beautiful to me?

Why am I in a state of disbelief?
Why do I yearn for your conversation?

Why do you keep me on the edge of my skin?

Why do I want you at the tip of my tongue?

Why does your touch drive me insane?

Why can't I explain how I feel?

Why am I questioning everything?

Every time I'm in your presence nothing else matters…

You put my mind at ease without hesitation…

You make me smile…

Laugh…

You make me happy…

Happiness…

A feeling that been missing for…

Well where has this feeling been???

It's better than a day off…

Better than shopping…

Better than the doctor prescribed numbness…

Why do I feel 14 again???

Why do I feel like I'm keeping a good secret???

Why do I feel like Christmas morning???

Why does seeing your name across that screen feel like the first time?

Every time…

Every time…

And why when you kiss me…

Does my equilibrium fail me???

And why do I wanna know why???

Ready

I'm ready for some change in my life
No more lonely nights
No more misery
No more unnecessary stress
It's time for a new beginning
A new frontier
New horizons to broaden
Time to walk through that open door
To a new perspective
A new dynamic
A new attitude
I'm ready to date life
Get in bed with my future
And make love to my dreams and aspirations
I am ready for change...

Games

Let the games begin 
Are we enemies or friends
Frienemies or foes
What's the reasoning 
Who knows?
The story goes
On and on 
Never-ending song
For as long as the lie must
We have no trust
No loyalty 
Employing me 
To be the bad guy
The opposer
The truth seeker
That will expose the truth
Exposing you for what you are
A poser in a allies body
Holding rank 
Enemies,friends,frienemies,and foes
All in the same
You've reached record lows
So again let the games begin  
The bitter cold war
My wrath must be unleashed
Why
Because I'm sick of...
The silent games
The innuendos 
And the endless cycles
Of small untruths
That build and build
You bend 
I break
The cycle
Of hate
A cycle
In which we despise
And wish demise
Among each other 
So let the game end
Truth is 
You were never a friend
A member of opposing faction
Just remember 
Every beginning 
Has an ending action 
 

A bastard child

Just for a moment…

One moment…

I wish he were there for me…

But he wasn't…

He wasn't there to protect me …

He wasn't there to love me…

He just wasn't there…

And I resent him for it…

My heart bleeds every time I think about...

Him…

Was I not enough?

The question that burns in my mind…

Or maybe he's ashamed…

Is the man I am today not good enough?

I guess ill never know…

Does he know that because of him I've never known Love…

That unconditional love that a man gives to a boy…

That love that builds a boys confidence…

Does he know I've never let any man fill that void…

Why?

Because they weren't him…

My strength fails me…

As I grew I watched others live with what I yearned for…

Even in my adulthood I'm just mere footsteps away from it…

It breaks my heart…

Torments me…

To watch what so many take for granted flourish before me…

He missed my whole life…

First haircut, soccer game, fight, driver license, the list goes on…

I'm labeled the bastard child…

Boy without a father…

</3

The backup plan

I won't become an enabler to my own demise…

Even though I have been for some years…

I let these people run in and out of my life…

While they threw stones at my glass frame…

I shattered…

I broke down…

My heart pounded…

For each and everyone of those people…

Those people I loved…

Those people I cared for…

I invited pain and suffering into my inner realm…

Tormented myself for acceptance…

Tormented myself for companionship…

For "love"….

Love didn't love me back…

It didn't put out what I put in…

So I did me for a while…

But I wanna be done…

I wanna coexist with another…

I wanna have a true lover…

I wanna be felt by another…

I need someone who wants to be with me only…

Is it a shame I've never had that from any man I've ever loved…

I was one of many…

Never one and only…

The backup plan…

Misdirection

When did I lose myself???

 

Why do I yearn for someone that doesn't exist???

 

The seasons are changing...

 

Sweet summer mornings are falling into brisk autumn nights...

 

Ironic...

 

Coincidence...

 

I was free...

 

I am free...

 

But why do I want to be captive???

 

My body is untouched...

 

My mind unstimulated...

 

I lay like a lump...

 

As I watch others live...

 

As I watch others love...

 

Wish I could eat it...

 

Bask in it...

 

Wrap myself in it...

 

Relive it...

 

Reminiscent of the love that was made...

 

Here I am in unfamiliar territory looking for an answer...

 

It seems to not exist...

 

Am I missing something???

 

Did I miss an opportunity???

 

I'm stuck in neutral with my emergency brake engaged…

 

Afraid to disengage my life…

 

I have to live…

 

But what kind of life will I lead with no direction…

 

Misguidance…

 

Need GPS…

 

Time to pick a destination…

 

Set a goal…

 

Aiming for the moon…

 

I'll save the stars for someone else…

 

Destination…

 

Up…

 

Society is colorful

What's the difference between straight and crooked???

Is there a Heaven and Hell???

I know there is right and wrong…

But whose decision is it???

Whose right is it to pass judgment???

Politics…

Conservatives…

Politically correctness…

Orthodox society…

A closed minded person is selfish…

One-sided…

Blind…

Bored and jaded…

Taking everything and everyone for face value…

Making the world we live in unstable…

Stability…

Acceptance instead of tolerance…

Broadened horizons…

Open minds…

Color!!!

Dynamic!!!

Multi dimension!!!

Freedom!!!

All things that need to become more common…

The world is not black and white…

Or a whole gray area…

Things change…

Times change…

Society is changing…

Society is colorful…

Radicals…

Ignorance is insulting…

Not blissful…

Why hide the truth???

Why be a coward???

Integrate…

Blend…

Own your life…

Society is colorful…

So ask yourself???

What color are you???

 

 

Crush

I'm feeling things I haven't felt in a while…

What's happening?

The tides are rising…

Climax is building…

Senses heightening…

Crush…

When you hugged me my mind went blank…

When you kiss my cheek my tear ducts erupted…

My breath shortened…

Crush…

What's happening?

I need to know more…

I need confirmation…

I need some time…

Crush…

You grab me…

Pull me close…

In that minute I feel lifeless…

Crush…

Take control…

Kiss me til my lips numb…

Lift me higher… higher…

Crush…

Motivate me…

Entice me…

Keep me interested…

Crush…

Lusting…

Disoriented…

Let's play…

Crush…

There's nothing wrong with a little fun…

Crush…

Hurry…

Before my crush is lost…

Crush…

 

 

 

 

Dear John

What do you say when you lose someone special?

What do you do when the reality feels like a fallacy?

A joke…

A bad dream…

You were a fallen angel…

Your gift was laughter…

A gift you used quite often…

You weren't afraid of what people thought of you…

Fearless…

Strong…

Cunning…

Words that only just beginning to describe you…

Your reputation spoke for itself…

You got along with most…

Loved by many more…

You said whatever came to mind…

And meant every word…

The world lost a good one…

I misplaced a friend…

I'll see you later …

Friendship never dies…

Surreal feelings stay…

Visiting paradise…

Relaxing til the end…

Consideration

What is the value of friendship?

Who takes it into consideration?

You?

Me?

We?

Is it considered when you ignore someone who cares?

Is it valued when you're angry?

What is the price you pay when you're denied the same you output…

Shot down…

Shut out…

Isolated…

Singled out of the once tightly knitted group of friends…

When is it ok to value one other person more then another?

To hash out and fix the issues with one, and leave the other in the dark…

To not consider someone else's feelings or dedication to making you feel secure…

Selfishness is not uncommon…

To want what you want without care…

And want it without consequence…

Because you know they'll be there at the end of the day…

But what happens when they are fed up?

Fed up with the fact that you love to hold things against them…

Burying them in mounds of unresolved issues…

Are they still expected to be there?

Like any great friend they will regardless of the circumstance…

Because the guilt of treating you how they are being treated would kill them…

Someone has to be the bigger person…

Someone has to be the adult…

Maturity…

Honesty…

Honestly the truth is wicked…

The facts are people don't consider their actions towards others…

I care…

Even when you don't…

But I'm afraid…

To lose my friendship…

I'm afraid you don't care if you lose my friendship…

People who truly don't know me think I'm an imposter…

Or a follower…

I follow no one…

I've been making my own decision for a very long time…

I live in my own mind…

And most have only seen one side of me…

Consider this…

I can only handle…

No better yet I'm only willing to handle so much…

I will not fall victim to the same mistakes that I made in the past…

I will consider myself first…

Before I ever lead myself down another path of destruction…

I love and value all my friends equally…

Just please consider that I feel too…

Just consider the fact that I love you…

But also consider the fact that I will let you go if I have to…

</3

 

 

Insecurities

I laugh at the fact that people think I'm insecure about myself...
I live for the fact that they get life for attempting to make me insecure about myself.... 
But i pity the person who believes that they're that much of a factor to invoke any other emotion but laughter... 
It warms my heart that I'm that important to some people....
Insecurities lacking of self-confidence, plagued by anxiety....
Everyone has them...
No ones perfect....
I hate my feet...
I hate that my thighs are so thick....
I don't think that I'm that attractive...
I have abandonment issues...
But I own up to my insecurities....
They all have their advantages...
I can swim well...
My thighs attract a lot of positive attention...
People think I'm attractive...
I value every relationship and learn from past mistakes...
Why wallow in self pity?
Why use our insecurities as reason why?
Why allow others pointing out what you obviously know affect you? 
Instead dissect the reason why they point them out... 
You have something they want...
You have a certain je ne sais quoi...
A certain savor faire....
A security in your insecurities.....
And that in fact is a weapon...
A power that can't be taken from you, unless you allow it....
Confidence is key...
Being overly confident sparks fear or panic...
Resulting in people who lack a confidence to lash out....
So my question is are you confident in yourself?

Change?

Isn't it crazy how times change

So called friends act strange

And family becomes estranged

Yet the world remains unchanged

Even as stock exchanges

And our government shortchanges

Budgets

Money money money

Equals

Power power power

Equals

Location and status

Status

Power

Money

All things that derange man

Dreams outranged

Yet the world still remains unchanged

Corruption

Deception

Capitalization

Man arranges corruption

Spreading the message like sarcoptic mange

Never preparing for repercussions downrange

It's such a shame

People change

Yet the world remains unchanged

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man

Where was the affection…?

Where is the love…?

Daddy was gone…

Daddy is gone…

I'm done…

I'm tired…

I can no longer pretend to love a man who was nonexistent…

The first man who ever made me an option…

After him I came across many more…

Me with a big heart and open arms…

I loved men but men never loved me…

Hurt and abandoned I entered the world with no guidance…

No protection…

Daddy was gone…

Close yet so distant…

I was neglected…

Man picked me up and raped me of my innocents…

Robbed me of my trust…

Starved me of that unconditional love…

Broke my confidence…

Left stifled and confused…

Lost with no destined purpose…

I searched…

I wanna love…

I wanna live…

I wanna be free…

I want that special he…

I want to be a we instead of just me…

Is it possible???

Is he out there???

…

Daddy wasn't there…

Daddy didn't care…

The rest left, cheated, or were only interested in that one thing…

Mama always said my life wouldn't be easy…

But why so rough…

When is the pain gonna let up???

When will the hurt stop flooding my heart???

Terrorizing my soul…

When will the pieces finally make a whole…?

Vacant…

Blinded…

Guarded…

Speechless…

Disappointed…

I live on jealous of the happy people…

The un-sedated people…

Man…

God's creation in which I love…

When will you return the favor…?

 

 

My mistake

Once upon a time the sheer thought of you excited me…

Now, it makes me sick to my stomach…

You were everything I wanted…

But everything I need to live without…

A liar… a con artist…

A mirror with two faces…

A blessing … a curse…

Through you I met some of the most beautiful people in the world…

For that I am truly grateful…

Without you I developed a relationship with these people…

My friends…

Like Keri said you were a beautiful mistake…

It is what it is…

I caught feelings, my mistake…

It will never happen again…

But then again according to you we never had anything to begin with…

Does it hurt??? A little… Why??? I gave you most of me and you didn't care enough to notice…

I was played… Worked…

A cuddle buddy… a place holder… someone to keep you dick wet until he came back…

I was led on like livestock… Groomed and fattened before slaughter…

Once upon a time the sheer thought of you made me smile…

I felt the butterflies…

Now I detest those feelings…

What a waste…

So talented, yet so faulty…

I'm done…

History will not repeat itself…

Your pathetic… Gutter trash… Drop-ded…

With love,

Drakkar Dropded Dorvil

If it don't apply let it fly…

 

Love sick

I miss you so much its sickening... I toss and turn every night... I cry silent tears behind the seams of my heart... Pray it's no longer broken... My eyes burn wide open til dawn the next morn... As I mourn the thought of love... Insomnia replaces a once restful life...

Restless like a puppy... Sleepless like the sea... Stolen moments... Frozen in time and space... Condescending visits leave me feeling empty... No progression... But no loss in foothold... Delusional??? Maybe... Lost??? Definitely... Confused...

A kiss... A lustrous kiss... Hurts me... Pains me... Poison of my mind... You crawled into me... Stole my sanity... Love... Love is that what you are... A serrated edge... Cutting me deep... Letting in all the poison...

That wretched feeling... Morbid... Sick... Disgusted... With the thought that all of my joy was gone... Love a metaphysical dilemma that seems to not give a damn about me... I did it on purpose... I loved on purpose...

Left open... Vulnerable... Naked... Empty... Taken... numb...

My love is to beautiful to be thrown back in my face... Your version of love is to tainted... Yet you loved me until I was sick...

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Remembering Summer

As I lay here bored and restless I can't help but remember summer time... Remembering the warmth I use to feel at night... The comfort of being held like a baby... The long walks through the city... The endless movie nights... The epic gatherings... The sweet somethings that were actual nothings... The thrill of the unknown... The pleasure of the sunrise... The angelic sound of a voice... The bliss found in a smile... Happiness... True friendship... Love... Pleasure...

As I sit here and recall summer I can't wonder why the seasons changed... Where did my happiness go... It slipped away like summer into fall... The leaves changed color... It was beautiful but I wasn't ready... The warmth that once comforted me into the night vanished like the beautiful leaves... Before I knew it I was cold and alone...

I was now in familiar territory... I was here before... Have you ever noticed that not one snowflake is alike... As they began to fall I realized the beauty in each one... I now had time to appreciate what was right in front of me... I let the summer slip away... I truly do miss the summer... The warmth in the breeze... The leaves on the trees... The long walks through the city... Happiness... Love... Pleasure...

I miss it all

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Grandma

As the past fades

And our days begin to number

I cant help but wonder

What future will bring

Someone I love deeply is slipping away

And as I pray and I pray

And as I cry and I cry

Asking God  for more time

For more memories

More hugs

and more kisses

Unconditional love

Irreplaceable moments

Its surreal

Numb to the pain

Deaf to the situation

Blind to the circumstance

All I want is to hold you

To talk to you

To tell you I love you

Spell it out

To show you

To thank you

Thank God for our blessing

Because with you we are truly blessed

Without you we would have never been

Our mere existence is a testament of your love

You were blessed

And we were truly loved

You are the matriarch

The glue that holds this family together

And even as your strength fails you

Our strength grows

And will continue to blossom

In generations to come

Mama we Love You

And Grandma I Love You

Far Away

Marsha Ambrosuis inspired me to write this….

Where did you go?

Where were you when I needed you?

You always made it better…

Why did you leave me?

To face the cruelty of this world alone…

I was just trying to live my life…

We use to do everything together…

Always be there for each other…

You left me…

Disappeared…

Vanished…

I needed you…

In my hour of need you split…

Abandoned me…

Now I'm gone…

I did something stupid…

To numb the pain…

You gave me your word…

I cant come back…

I'm sorry…

The game played me

I broke the rules…

I trusted you…

I loved you…

I love you…

Too far to tell you….

I'm gone now…

Wish I could come back…

I hope you move on…

Forget about me…

Just know you are always my baby…

My heart…

Far Away….