To be free

Freedom is a state of mind….

A state I didn't realize was meant for me….

I overcompensated for my sexuality….

I strived for excellence and nothing less….

Filled my fortress with ammunition….

And should I come under attack….

I was ready….

Not emotionally but mentally and physically….

Quick on my feet….

Loose with my tongue….

Strong by force….

But weak inside….

Vulnerable to disappointment….

So I drove myself crazy….

I strived to financially sound and educationally stimulated….

So that my sexuality wouldn't affect their views of me and my mother….

My mother and I worked damn hard to be the people we are….

And guess what she raised me….

To be this strong and intelligent man that I am today….

I write to let go….

I write to let God….

He gave me a gift….

A gift I cherish….

I can express myself…..

This is not possible for many….

But I am my mothers child and I love her so so so so much….

The strongest woman in the world raised the strongest….

Freedom in my mind…. And every stroke of my being….

To be free….

 

Blood

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LOVED.... EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHO I AM BUT IF I TELL EM I FEAR LOSING MY FAM.... DEMONS IN MY HEAD KEEPING ME MISLEAD.... THINKING IM AT A LOSS IF I LOSE THEM...

IF I LOSE YOU IN THE MIX THEN I LOST YOU AS A WHOLE.... PERSON IN MY THOUGHTS WAS ME ALONE.... STILL DONT SEE HOW I AFFECT YOU... ULCERS LEFT INSIDE.... CUZ WHEN YOU WHISPERED BEHIND ME MY INSIDES DIED....

MY PRIDE IS AHEAD OF ME BUT I NEVER LIED.... NO ARMS WERE OPEN SO FEW I CONFIDED IN.... I TRIED TO CHANGE IT BUT I COULDN’T WIN.... STRENGTH WASN’T A PROBLEM MORALE WAS LOW.... THEN EVERYONE BEGAN TO LABEL ME.... AS SOME KIND OF DIRTY HOE....

PLOWING THROUGH THE FIELDS TIL I FOUND RICH SOIL.... SHOWS HOW MUCH THEY KNEW SO THEIR PLANS FOR ME I SPOILED.... I COULD ONLY BE ME AND ME I DID.... THIS IS WHEN I STOPPED ACTING LIKE KID.... STILL ADOLESENT AND MISGUIDED....

I WENT WHERE I WAS INVITED.... FIGHTING TO BE SOMETHING THAT I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND.... CUZ THE PEOPLE THAT I LONGED TO BE WITH EXILED ME TO A DISTANT LAND.... A LAND OF LONEINESS LOCKED AWAY IN A PRISON.... I DIDN’T DO MUCH TALKING THERE.... NO ONE WAS THERE TO LISTEN.... TO ME PLEADING AND BEGGING TO BE PART OF A WORLD THAT SHUNNED ME....

SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO PUNISHED ME FOR BEING ME.... LABELED LIKE A PACKAGE.... NEVER TO BE SOLD.... BECAUSE I WAS DAMAGED GOODS AND WAS GETTING OLD.... LOCKED AWAY IN STORAGE.... WHERE I BEGAN TO MATURE LIKE FINE WINE.... I DECIDED TO BE FEARLESS HERE I DREW THE LINE.... IM GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE SHINE OR RAIN..... AND THROUGHOUT THIS JOURNEY HAS BEEN MUCH PAIN....

BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.... OCEAN COULDVE BEEN ERECTED OVER THE YEARS.... BECAUSE OF THE TEARS I CRIED AT NIGHT.... THEN TODAY I SEEN THE LIGHT.... ACCEPTENCE IS A PROCESS THAT TAKES PRECIOUS TIME.... BUT MY FEELINGS LIVE WITHOUT RTHYM OR RHYME.... UNTIL THIS DAY IT WAS HARD TO ACCEPT.... AND SOMETIMES FEELS LIKE I OVERSLEPT.... IVE SLEPT ON MYSELF FOR WAY TO LONG....

AND NOW I REALIZED THERES NOTHING WRONG.... THE QUESTION ON THE TABLE IS WITH WHOM WILL I LAY.... AFTER WRITNG THIS.... SHOULD I HAVE TO SAY....? I’M YOUR SON, NEPHEW, and GRANDSON EITHER WAY.... BUT IT SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISE TO YOU THAT I’M GAY.... IM SORRY IF I HURT YOU OR LEFT YOU DISMAYED.... BUT MY BLOOD IS YOUR BLOOD SO DONT THROW SHADE....

The Best

Thinking of my future…

Trying not to forget my past…

Change is coming….

I'm scared…

I'm excited…

I'm determined…

To brake the cycle…

No longer will I be trapped…

Too busy to realize…

I was trying too hard to get ahead…

I pushed myself back…

Got comfortable…

Seeing dollar signs…

The green that legally blinds me…

The thing that legally binds me…

To an unconstitutional contract…

Yes I'm ahead for now…

BUT…

Even though I'm years ahead of my peers…

In a few years they'll be decades ahead of me…

In order for me to stay competitive…

I have to give them something to compete with…

Defeat them from the indirect…

Destroy them with my intellect…

Taught by the best…

Chance

How long can you run and hide from the truth…

Elude your feelings with what society accepts…

Putting you on hold for….

I don't know … false realities…

How long can you put off what you need and yurn for…

Force yourself to believe you will be this person…

Lie!!!!

To yourself????

Why….

Because it buys you time to think…

But what happens when the well runs dry….

Times up….

Time to face reality…

The heart stopping gut wrenching truth is waiting…

Do you accept it???

But to accept it would mean you accept yourself….

You accept the possible consequences…

In most cases the loses are way greater than the gains…

But the gains are weighing on you soul…

Clogging up your arteries like fat…

But the loses may also cause catastrophic damage…

Can you win either way???

Make a decision and you'll see…

Chance

 

 

Missing

I feel like an outcast…

To be among the people I love the most my best friends and feel excluded…

You have no idea how I feel…

I don’t hear from you often and I don’t see you often…

I don’t receive call or text messages anymore…

When I call I get voicemail…

When I text I just wait…

Never to be replied back to…

Wow I know that I have my flaws but you cant say I don’t try…

Every one has their own agenda…

I was replaced by another…

I was ignored…

And we had a falling out…

Why cant we pick it back up???

Remember the old days when we chilled???

When we talked???

When we stayed up all night???

Had movie night???

Included eachother in plans???

Communicated with eachother???

Asked about eachother???

Or am I the only one outside the loop…

I fear I’m losing my friends….

I miss yall…

I miss us…

I miss we…

Do yall miss me???

Secret Place

I've got a secret place in the dark depths of my mind where everything in my life is attainable…

In that secret place I hold and store all of my most precious memories, feelings, dreams, and fantasies…

Very few know the contents of this place…

Many go mad trying to find out…

Because while there mind is on drought they cause destruction…

Man the densest narrow minded non imaginative creation…

Destroys for his own idealistic view then persuades other men that it's necessary…

Thus killing individualism and creativity in men… in a people…

Attempting to eradicate radical thinking…

Enslaving a culture for personal gain or power…

Causing unnecessary civil war…

Structured systems overthrown… for freedom…

For Freedoms…

Freedom to keep that secret place…

To live inside of your own mind…

To live inside of your own means…

To have a piece of mind… and peace in mind…

Freedom to escape tragedy and disaster…

And channel it into something different…

Your own private bunker of the mind…

That connects you with your calling…

Your secret place….

 

 

Incomplete equations

Its seems that you're not the only confused addition to this equation….

Because every time I add up all the different components the results change …..

I tried subtracting you from me and multiplying me by someone else and the product is still you…..

My equation was missing something…. Someone….

I tried subtracting my feelings but then somehow attraction was added in…

You added your feelings and multiplied mine by ten…

Leaving me with an incomplete equation…

I’m done

No more words to be said

No more tears will shed

No more hate to be fed

No more lies to be heard

No more thoughts in my mind

Thinking you were a find

So now I leave you behind

Goodbye

No more thoughts as to what

Could be holding you up

So now I give up this game

No more wondering why

When you laugh I cry

Or think it was I

That was wrong

Hope you have a good life

While I pull out the knife

Now on with my life

I'm done

Can't believe that I thought

All the lies that I bought

That you could ever be the one

Your decision

I once had love…

I had dreams…

Desires…

Passions…

But I let the insecurities of others steal that away…

I allowed them to turn and twist what was mine…

I let them win….

They stole my dream…

Crushed my heart…

Clouded my mind…

Tainted my soul…

Turned my dream into a nightmare…

I desire no one else…

We once shared the same passion…

The same bed…

The same body…

I love you...

You love me…

I'm in love with you…

You gave your all to me…

Is it enough…

Was it enough…

Should we give up…

Your decision.

Your choice

Is it so hard to feel for me

Is it so hard to be real with me

Is it so hard to hug me

Is it so hard to kiss me

Is it so hard to be with me

Is it so hard???

Is it so wrong to expect affection

Is it so wrong to expect a phone call

Is it so wrong to expect you to miss me

Is it so wrong to expect you to treat me like your only

Is it so wrong???

I will I ever get you to myself

I will I ever stop feeling 2^nd best around you

I will I ever stop feeling for you

I will I ever stop thinking there us more to you

I will I ever…

Because of you she suffers

Because of you I can't be with her

Because of you I can't decide

But because of you I appreciate her more

She's not afraid to love me

She's not afraid of what others think

She's not afraid to announce her feelings

She's not afraid

Why do I allow you to drag me down

Why do I allow you to walk around like you're the sh….

Why do I allow you to have power over me

Why do I allow you to play with me

…

Because I fell

I'm falling

I'm crashing

I'm dying if you don't catch me

If you don't call me

If you don't text me

If your not with me

I'm dying

But in my rebirth you and me becomes me and she…

And you gonna let me die?

Your choice

Puppet master

How long do you expect me to play dumb…

Sit around waiting when you never come…

Never call... maybe text… once…

Record twice…

How long do you expect me to play dumb…

Thinking you're doing the worst…

Hoping your doing your best…

Wanting just you and me not all the rest…

How long do you expect me to play dumb…

You give me enough rope to hang…

Dangle lifeless… constrained…

Waiting for you to bring me back to life…

Move my strings…

How long do you expect me to play dumb…

Reality is even Pinocchio wanted to feel…

He wanted to be real…

Free from his strings…

Like him I'm not a toy…

I want to be your real boy…

Not just something pretty…

Something you leave on the shelf…

Or only play with for my health…

How long do you expect me to play dumb…

I miss our long nights…

Our joyous laughter…

But your just a puppet master…