Rock Bottom

Honestly it's been a long time coming
I really spent a long time running
Running  the street
Running a business
Running from Love

I fell from Graceland
I lost it all
I lost
I'm lost
Trying to win a losing battle

I fought for my freedom
I relinquished my dependence
Just to end up becoming a delinquent
Behind the curve
In my own  lane

Beyond brain
Beyond sane
Lost in space
Left with time
Misdirected

Smacked
Trapped
Tracked
Taken
Stolen

Rock bottom
My heart went numb
Skin cold to the touch
Mind blank
Reality is  real

Solidarity is welcomed
Ears deaf
Vision blurred
Nerves pierce organs like needles through walls
Bones soft as gelatin
Stress seceded

Relief
I was somewhat released
But burdened by becoming a burden
Time isn't my friend
Decisions must be made

Rocks can be broken
Pebbles will be flattened
Walls must be reinforced
Foundation built stronger
Dreams start from the bottom

Death of one Era
Beginning of a new
I may have lost "IT"
But I will rebuild
Starting from Rock Bottom

The Deep

In the darkness I found the monster that lived under my bed...

It vacationed in my closet... 

It always rode with me in my backseat  with the partition up....

It lurked behind my shadow...

Slowly but surely relinquishing me of my strength...

Relieving  me of my courage...

Robbing me of my self esteem, worth, and awareness...

Feeding off me like cancer...

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike...

Strategically placing every obstacle...

And documenting every failure...

In the darkness I found the monster that lived in my dreams...

Orchestrated my nightmares...

Capitalized my fears...

Exploited my shortcomings... 

Disguised my enemies...

Befriended my naysayers...

Patronized my superiors...

Preyed on abandonments...

In the darkness I found comfort...

Comfort in solidarity...

Comfort in desperation...

Comfort in negativity...

In darkness like viral cells insecurity flourishes...

Like plagues it ravishes...

Leaving devastation...

All that remains is 50 shards of regret...

A desolate soul...

And weathered spirit....

I delve deeper into the darkness and found myself...

What I once believed was a monstrosity...

Was a truth so raw like a shingles flare up...

Painful but unable to be ignored...

Nothing shallow is worth holding onto...

I took it all to the point of no return...

Releasing it into the atmosphere like a river to the sea...

Letting whatever stayed afloat I let go... 

It took sometime to understand the serenity...

In darkness is resolution...

Searching the deep for everything else...

I found clarity...

Hearts never swim in shallow creeks...

And in order to trust and love oneself you must dig deep...

Dakar D ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

Sandy

Today marks a year...
A year since I lost an important piece of myself...
A year since I lost one of my best friends...
To Cancer...
Cancer which in the zodiac is suppose to be kind and nurturing...
But in my case it was a selfish disease...
We fought...
She fought...
She was fighting...
For life...
For love...
For family...
She gave it her all...
But it still took her life...
Stolen...
My best friend was taken...
My God-brothers mother abducted...
A huge piece of us obstructed...
Emotionally constipated...
A year has past...
365 memories remembered...
Over a thousand hearts touched...
You lived...
You loved...
You danced...
You sung your way into their memories...
Into their hearts...
You made a difference...
You were a someone...
Not only in my eyes...
But in theirs as well...
So I don't mourn the loss of you...
Why? Because I know you wouldn't want that...
I mourn the displacement of our friendship...
But I miss you...
And my love for you is immortalized...
Sandy

Readers digest

I'm scared...
Am I even good enough?
I write line after line...
And word after word...
Stumbling over the fear and tears of the present...

I present to you a blueprint...
Raw like the knees I depend on to make a living...
I'm selling you a fantasy...
A product of lustrous pleasure...
A climax to a long story...

A barebone template to build from...
Line after line...
Word after word...
I trip over frustrations and deferrals...
Back spacing and retracing thoughts...

Tip toeing around ideas...
Jotting down ideals...
I allow my pen to get lost...
Tied up in forbidden feelings...

I listen to it...
Drip... Drops...
Exposing me to the world...
My dreams pour onto pages...
Like a waterfall into the sea...

My dream may not make sense to those can see...
But it's music to the blind...
It flows and grows...
Like a spark to a flame...

I'm scared...
Am I good enough?
Have I dreamt big enough?
Have I worked hard enough?
Is faith ever enough?

Fear signifies growth...
Tears represent resilience...
Strength in the face of adversity is only courage...

So I write line after line...
And word after word...
Pushing forward...
Constantly exposed...
Feelings in hand...

Thoughts flowing like blood through veins...
Eyes wide-shut blind to fallacy...
Mouth open to receive reality...

I serve the truth rare...
Blood spilling...
Line after line...
Mouth waters...
Word after word...
Only my readers can digest...

Harsh Reality

The harsh realities
The minuscule untruths
The shifty body language
The Inconsistencies
The deliberate aloofness
The disrespect

All the things I tolerated for hope
All the things I overlooked for excitement
All the things I endured for companionship
All the things I catalogued for review

I built a case
I weighed my options
I deliberated with my board
I was embarrassed
I was disappointed

I setup a meeting with the truth
But he never appeared
Instead he sent deceit to represent his defense
He told beautiful tales
Enough to publish a fiction novel
Best seller even

I read and I read
I took a shot
I dismantled the fabrication
Attempted to rebuild it
But none of the pieces fit

I gave the truth a chance to fix it
I realized then all truth isn't beautiful
Sometimes truth is dark
Sometimes truth can be ugly
The truth has skeletons too
Buried deep in the darkest pits of hell

To journey to the unearthing
I misplaced my sanity
Had my insides rearranged
And watched the ignorant suffer
Arriving to a conclusion
The truth was not worth anymore turmoil

The harsh realities
The minuscule untruths
The shifty body language
The inconsistencies
The deliberate aloofness
The disrespect

Led the the severance
This severance wasn't by choice
The truth in you severed us
With the same knife
The same knife deceit put in my back

Bipolar

I feel angry
I am depressed
I feel relieved
Scratch that I'm stressed
Today I'm happy
Yesterday I was sad
Tomorrow pissed
Day after I'm glad
Ive loved before
I like him now
I lust for a future
I feel tossed around
Memories of betrayal
Deceptive realities
Misguided by default
beauty in ignorance
The quiet screams
The rainbow rains
The truth in the scandal
The serenity games
Pursuing dreams
Dreaming of happiness
Bursting it seems
Faith leaping
Im a Natural disaster
My Strength is peaking
In the eye of the storm
Answer seeking
Confused... Always
Understood... Maybe
Current feeling ... In a daze
Nervous... Alittle
My self esteem decayed
Like maggots they feast
They've evolved into butterflies
Imbalance decreased
The mind of the bipolar
Unmedicated and twisted
Add the right chemistry
Be rewarded and gifted